It's been five years since I got raped, which sucked.
But it sucks less than it did then. Partially in a "time heals all wounds way," and partially in a "SUCK ON THIS, RAPE!" way.
I think about it fleetingly every day, and I wish I didn't have to deal with that. Some days I think about it a lot. I talked about the details with someone today, and it made me shake.
Rape is a lack of power, autonomy, respect, humanity.
Fuck that! Now I use rape to make me more powerful.
I reached out to other people and gained strength from their numbers. (Turns out everyone's been raped/almost raped/has a sister/friend/roommate who got raped, too.) Rape is a deeply private, personal attack-- it happens within your own body! It doesn't go this way for everyone, unfortunately, but I found tons of support all around me when I started looking. Not everyone was supportive, which cost me some friendships, but some people who weren't even close to me were solid as fuck.
I decided that I'd start looking at the issue of rape more, and that strengthened me, too. Reading about rape lead me to misogyny, rape culture, patriarchy, and a host of other ideas that helped me understand how thousands of men go from innocent infant to rapist. However, understanding did not breed sympathy! I got mad, and now I do whatever I can to punch patriarchy in its face.
Rape can make you feel isolated, but being open about it has made me see how absolutely not isolated each rape is. Shit is systematic. Gaining an understanding of rape-- even when getting raped seems to destroy everything you understood about people, your body, boundaries-- gave me the tools to speak out louder and clearer against rape, rape culture, and all the factors that contribute to it.
Besides friends and reading, yoga and dance also helped me reclaim my body and my sexuality. Yoga speaks for itself-- go to 5 classes and see what happens!
The sassy, witty, sarcastic, smart-as-fuck ladies at Jezebel.com were also a sustaining force in my recovery. They sent a clear, consistent anti-rape message in a language I could understand (sarcasm!) As crazy as it sounds, just being reminded that rape is not OK was crucial for me as I developed an understanding of the issue. It's not like I thought rape was OK beforehand, but my rapist tried to convince me that it was a misunderstanding and that I actually wanted it, and it was very convenient to believe him instead of accepting the truth! Since then I've read countless hilarious articles about the myriad ways that women have their rights, bodies, freedom, and autonomy violated-- besides rape!
Five years later things are looking good for me, and I am infinitely grateful for that. I'm lucky that I have supportive and radical friends (because apparently "rape is bad" is still a radical idea), that I had life goals and was able to take huge steps toward fulfilling them, and that I've been financially stable since then. Many women aren't as lucky. Getting raped made me significantly less emotionally stable in the short term, and it was just luck that I made it here. Many women struggle for years or the rest of their lives to gain back what they lost when they were violated. I don't have a snarky analysis of that; it's just fucking awful.
I still experience post-rape side effects. I haven't had sex since then, which may be a direct result or may just be how I am. (Funny sidenote: after two months of dating, I told a guy I was ready to have sex. I also told him that I could never be his girlfriend. He got mad and cited Martin Buber at me.) Anyway, my sense of "I could get raped" is way heightened. Males probably don't think about this much (that's what male privilege is all about), but I know all the ladies know what I'm talking about. Just being alone in a room with a guy sets off a little alarm deep in my brain. I don't let it control me, but it's there. Looking into the nitty-gritty of rape culture has led me to some pretty ugly things: appalling statistics, revenge porn (exists!), how men silence, oppress, and --wait for it-- rape women on the daily in every conceivable situation-- business, the Internet, literature, on the bus, etc. Some things are triggering for me. That means that otherwise innocuous things (whether relating to rape or not) will cause my brain to flood with cortisol, putting me on edge. At this point those things are fairly predictable, but sometimes they change.
I feel good about where I've come since then. But I'll always (as far as I can tell. Will keep you posted.) carry around a little of the baggage, fear, and cynicism. I'm doing what I can to turn all that rage (because women are allowed to feel rage, btw) into righteous anger, strength, power, and peace. (Stay tuned for the next blog: How to balance righteous anger and peace.)
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confidence. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Cupcake Cycle
Until age 17, I was extremely insecure. I went to a small private school, and I did my best to infiltrate the popular clique, despite the fact that I had plenty of non-popular friends. I never succeeded. I spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me, attempting new styles, and generally being really annoying in my effort to fit in. What is ironic, though, is that the more effort I put into it, the worse off I was. When you are insecure, people know, and they don’t appreciate it. It becomes a vicious cycle of being insecure, the insecurity limiting your social options, and that, in turn, leading to more insecurity.
But fuck that.
There is an opposite of a vicious cycle. I call it a cupcake cycle. In a cupcake cycle, one’s self-confidence promotes social well-being, which in turn leads to more self-confidence. This really happens! At 17 I decided that being insecure was a huge waste of time, and I stopped. Once I started acting like myself and like I was worth something, people started to believe it. And once people started to think I was worth something, well then shoot! maybe I really am worth something! And so it went. My personality really blossomed in that time, and my diaries became way less annoying to read over.
One of the best parts of being self-confident is having the power to “inspire” others to feel the same. For instance, my college friend Maliya was insecure, even though she was beautiful and smart and fun to be with. So basically I broke it down for her, and she started faking confidence, which made people think she had a reason to be so confident, which lead to real confidence. And now she’s fucking awesome! She has way less drama in her life. With her newfound confidence, she can basically do anything. And better yet, she is now able to drag her 17 year old sister into her own cupcake cycle. It’s beautiful!
If you want to be confident yourself, make sure you stay true to yourself. Confidently being someone else is called acting, and chances are you’re bad at that.
(By the way, it was Maliya who came up with “cupcake cycle” when I was looking for the opposite of a vicious cycle. See how funny she is? I still loved her, but she was totally not that funny before she became confident. She’s so awesome!)
But fuck that.
There is an opposite of a vicious cycle. I call it a cupcake cycle. In a cupcake cycle, one’s self-confidence promotes social well-being, which in turn leads to more self-confidence. This really happens! At 17 I decided that being insecure was a huge waste of time, and I stopped. Once I started acting like myself and like I was worth something, people started to believe it. And once people started to think I was worth something, well then shoot! maybe I really am worth something! And so it went. My personality really blossomed in that time, and my diaries became way less annoying to read over.
One of the best parts of being self-confident is having the power to “inspire” others to feel the same. For instance, my college friend Maliya was insecure, even though she was beautiful and smart and fun to be with. So basically I broke it down for her, and she started faking confidence, which made people think she had a reason to be so confident, which lead to real confidence. And now she’s fucking awesome! She has way less drama in her life. With her newfound confidence, she can basically do anything. And better yet, she is now able to drag her 17 year old sister into her own cupcake cycle. It’s beautiful!
If you want to be confident yourself, make sure you stay true to yourself. Confidently being someone else is called acting, and chances are you’re bad at that.
(By the way, it was Maliya who came up with “cupcake cycle” when I was looking for the opposite of a vicious cycle. See how funny she is? I still loved her, but she was totally not that funny before she became confident. She’s so awesome!)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
How to make any girl the hottest girl in the world
Girls are always looking for ways to please guys. There is a billion-dollar market for magazines that cater to women, telling them how to dress, what to eat, and what sex moves to use. Somehow, the millions of women who read these magazines don’t seem happier, healthier, or sexier. Definitely not sexier.
Women often think that if they wear the right clothes, make up, or hairstyle, men will be interested in them. The truth is, men don’t give a fuck. Ugly girls get laid all the time. Slutty girls get turned down all the time. There is one thing- yes, ONE thing- which guys are into more than anything else: confidence.
A confident woman is sure of herself. She doesn’t have body issues. She isn’t shy. She knows how to dish it out, and she knows how to take it. She doesn’t have any hang-ups. This is supremely attractive to males.
How can women attain this magic attribute? Truly confident women are hard to come by. There is no way I can tell women how to be confident, except that they need to get over their shit and love themselves. I’m not talking about cockiness or self-centeredness—I mean real confidence. One way of doing this is just to fake it until you believe it. That’s basically what I did, and it worked for my friend, too. Just pretend you like yourself—if you’re doing a good job, people will believe you. And then people think you are cool enough to be confident, and that’s a pretty good reason to be actually confident.
And men, how can you make women confident, so that they will be down to take off their clothes and get freaky without you having to coax them into everything? Compliments. Real ones. Be delighted. Be so into her. Probably the most important part: smile at her. But don’t be creepy about it. Pretend that the girl you just took home from the bar is the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, and you can’t help but marvel at each thing you discover about her. C-section scar? It’s cute. She didn’t shave her legs? You don’t give a fuck. Touch ‘em anyway. She’s covering up her boobs? Look at them, pause to admire, and say they’re beautiful. These types of things will make a woman think you really dig her, and she will be less nervous about "giving it up". If you’re admiring her and smiling at her, she will feel beautiful, which will make her act beautiful, and beautiful women aren’t shy and insecure, and then she will be all over your cock. It’s that simple!
Based on my own experience, boys pay way more attention to you when you're confident, even if you're dressed like a crackhead and skipping in circles around the mosh pit. Additionally, even with guys who didn't last long in my life, the best ones were the ones who seemed to really enjoy and appreciate me, even if later actions proved that they didn't care for me that much.
So what’s the point of this? Basically, confidence helps everything. It doesn’t matter if the guy is faking amazement or not. The fact is that when he acts amazed, it boosts your confidence through the roof and crushes whatever hang-ups you have about your body, or about fooling around in the backseat of you mom's station-wagon. Men: be amazed at the woman you’re with, but don't be creepy. If you’re doing a good job, she’ll believe you. Women: stop being such whiny babies. When you start loving yourself, the right kind of men will start loving you. More importantly, you won’t even need their love, because you are a confident, self-assured woman.
2014 EDIT: This is one of the worst things I've ever written, and I explain why here.
Women often think that if they wear the right clothes, make up, or hairstyle, men will be interested in them. The truth is, men don’t give a fuck. Ugly girls get laid all the time. Slutty girls get turned down all the time. There is one thing- yes, ONE thing- which guys are into more than anything else: confidence.
A confident woman is sure of herself. She doesn’t have body issues. She isn’t shy. She knows how to dish it out, and she knows how to take it. She doesn’t have any hang-ups. This is supremely attractive to males.
How can women attain this magic attribute? Truly confident women are hard to come by. There is no way I can tell women how to be confident, except that they need to get over their shit and love themselves. I’m not talking about cockiness or self-centeredness—I mean real confidence. One way of doing this is just to fake it until you believe it. That’s basically what I did, and it worked for my friend, too. Just pretend you like yourself—if you’re doing a good job, people will believe you. And then people think you are cool enough to be confident, and that’s a pretty good reason to be actually confident.
And men, how can you make women confident, so that they will be down to take off their clothes and get freaky without you having to coax them into everything? Compliments. Real ones. Be delighted. Be so into her. Probably the most important part: smile at her. But don’t be creepy about it. Pretend that the girl you just took home from the bar is the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, and you can’t help but marvel at each thing you discover about her. C-section scar? It’s cute. She didn’t shave her legs? You don’t give a fuck. Touch ‘em anyway. She’s covering up her boobs? Look at them, pause to admire, and say they’re beautiful. These types of things will make a woman think you really dig her, and she will be less nervous about "giving it up". If you’re admiring her and smiling at her, she will feel beautiful, which will make her act beautiful, and beautiful women aren’t shy and insecure, and then she will be all over your cock. It’s that simple!
Based on my own experience, boys pay way more attention to you when you're confident, even if you're dressed like a crackhead and skipping in circles around the mosh pit. Additionally, even with guys who didn't last long in my life, the best ones were the ones who seemed to really enjoy and appreciate me, even if later actions proved that they didn't care for me that much.
So what’s the point of this? Basically, confidence helps everything. It doesn’t matter if the guy is faking amazement or not. The fact is that when he acts amazed, it boosts your confidence through the roof and crushes whatever hang-ups you have about your body, or about fooling around in the backseat of you mom's station-wagon. Men: be amazed at the woman you’re with, but don't be creepy. If you’re doing a good job, she’ll believe you. Women: stop being such whiny babies. When you start loving yourself, the right kind of men will start loving you. More importantly, you won’t even need their love, because you are a confident, self-assured woman.
2014 EDIT: This is one of the worst things I've ever written, and I explain why here.
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