21st Century Romance

Here are some of the creepy, rude, and abusive messages I get on a dating website that can be found on the Internet. Partially I like to laugh at these guys, but partially I'm brilliant and my scathing wit is wasted on these jackasses. It's only right that I should share it with all 7 billion people on the planet via my blog that has 4 followers. What kind of monster do you think I am?

message from twathammer:

I'm Odyn. 6'5", brown hair, green eyes, fit. Jamaican an Irish. From Berlin an jus came back to Cali. I direct films an also make experimental hip hop. I'm vegan, like to meditate, go to a lot of shows, read a lot. I like surrealist art, travel a lot. You're cute and seem cool. We should get a drink. Whats your week usually like? Can I txt you? 

message from AllGroanUp:

omg, Odyn, are you trying to be the ruler of my Asgard? 

your user name is hilarious but I would never go out with someone who thinks it's a good idea to use twat in their user name for online dating. 

I will give you credit for writing one of the better generic messages, though. You spelled "and" wrong.

 message from twathammer:

I think you misread my sense of humor, I couldn't be particularly crass an I don't have views like that towards women. Like I said it was in my profile, Twathammer is Jesse Pinkmans terrible band in the show "Breaking Bad", which most people seem to get. Cultural roadblock perhaps? I guess I'm saying an ironic reference shouldn't be taken as a sincere political position on my part, despite your knee jerk Bias.

Missed Instant Message(s) from twathammer: 

I think you misread my sense of humour, I couldn't be particularly crass an I don't have views like that towards women

like I said it was Twathammer is Jesse Pinkmans terrible band in the show "Breaking Bad", which most people seem to get. Cultural roadblock perhaps? 

topgunpilotq: hey

me: hi

hey!

so how are you?

you know, same old

oh, is that so.

i work at 24 fitness

i was looking at your profile with a dude i train.

he thought you were cute.

um

its not a bad thing. :)

shouldn't you be working out instead of tag-team cruising for chicks?

we were

he's kind of a nerd

and isn't great with women

so i was trying to help him

so you thought I'd be an appropriate partner for someone who "isn't great with women?"

no, not at all.

he's a nice guy

i thought you maybe able to see past his deficiencies

here's a site about nice guys: https://sites.google.com/site/niceguysofokc/

haha funny read

wonder what FEAT I hve to pull off in order to get ur attention ... hmmm

as long as you're only stroking your chin and nothing else [note to self 1: never make a joke.]

and why did you put "feat" in all caps? 

haaaa ... plz get ur mind out of the gutter there 

jeez, we JUST met ... take it one step at a time shall we :) [oh, maybe it's ok to joke]

fap fap fap [is this taking it too far? does he realize I'm making fun of guys like him creeping all over the internet? YOLO!]

oh sorry 

anyways hows it goin

you know, same old 

talking to randos on the internet

haaa

so r u tellin me u r gonna turn out to be JUST a tease, only chattin n dont wanna meet in person ???

knock knock

[oh fuck no.]

You don't get to call me a tease. You talked to me first, so you can't get all butthurt about how I respond. I don't owe you anything, and I'm certainly not going to meet a guy who is trying to guilt me into doing things I never said I wanted to do.[never make a joke. Never be funny. Never show that you're clever.]

[my sexual harassment is way cuter than his.]



That is impressive to get that many messages but I admit you look good in the bikini.

I wasn't trying to brag, I was trying to say that men are creepy and easily distracted by women's bodies 

easily distracted yes but maybe you can explain how it is creepy? 



Facepalmed: wow

I would so hit that...you are sexy

me: go suck a bag of dicks.

This one isn't really harassment so much as it speaks to the level of pathetic desperation I sometimes encounter. It put a smile on my face! (Which I sometimes do instead of strangling the first 5 men I see and getting my tubes tied so that I never accidentally produce another male.)
My name a Borat. I like sex. I want to make sexy-time romance explosion on your stoh-match.

 message from NogameNodrama:
You seem like an interesting and sophisticated girl. I definitely interested in meeting with you. I am very new in this site and don't know how it entirely works. But I would rather skip few steps and jump into meeting with you. Maybe we should go out for a drink sometime in matter of fact we are living very close by. Maybe pizza and wine at one of your favorite place which could be little star if you like deep dish pizza:) ( If inviting you for a date at the first message is not proper thing to do, excuse my lack of knowledge on online dating gig, I could be really silly sometime. ) hoping to hearing from you soon. 



Hi my name is Avi. I was born in Israel and I lived in Cleveland, Ohio. I am age 30 and I just look at your profile is sound good and so we can talk and respond from you soon. I am waiting to hear from you soon. Please e-mail me back A.S.A.P. 

Avi, you are a creep with no social skills. Your desperate demands for me to respond promptly indicate that you're pushy and aggressive. Please feel free to write me back when you've developed a firm command of English grammar and polite American dating conventions.  

Hi there how are u doing? My English grammar spell good. What u do for fun and I have a family living around in Silicon Valley area. 


I have a picture of myself in a bikini on my OKCupid profile. I'm wearing a floppy hat, standing next to a waterfall. The caption says that a male friend (who was for sure not hitting on me) told me it was hot, so I put it up on OKCupid, where I'm supposed to be convincing males to reproduce with me. Within 30 minutes of posting it, I had 70 views, 7 messages, and 3 chats. I still get comments on it:

RGOTI: your friend's right: it is a hot picture

ME: thanks random guy on the internet

RGOTI: wow ok so you can say it but I can't? lol

it's classy/hot

terrible thing to lead with I guess, sorry

Instead of getting pouty when I shoot him down, this guy tries to keep it positive-- undoubtedly in a further attempt to ..."lay low and relax with some drinks," I suppose..

Hi! you look like fun! I'd love to get to know you more. I think we would get a long really well. We should go on an adventure and explore the city or lay low and relax with some drinks! Do you consider your self more submissive or Dominant? Becuase I am Dominant.

1% Match 23% Friend 50% Enemy

 

Hi Dominant, nice to meet you. Thanks for spotting that I look like fun! What with grad school and teaching middle school, my entire life is one big giggle-fest! I was just wondering why you thought we would get along since it says we're a 1% Match. Also--sorry, it's the English teacher in me--could you explain why you spell "dominant" with a capital "D?" Is that an expression of how dominant you are? 

Wow a sarcastic funny Jew that went to grad school and is an English teacher... I knew I'd like you.
:) 
What are you up to this weekend?