I'm Coming Out (against the occupation)

I attended a K-8 Jewish day school in the 90's. We had daily Hebrew class, celebrated all the Jewish holidays, and had many Israeli families and staff. Israel was portrayed as an underdog state, born from the desert, surrounded by enemies. I didn't have animosity against Palestinians, maybe because some of my earliest friends were my Palestinian neighbors. Dedication to Israel was a given in weekend Hebrew school, but I started to have questions about why Palestinians hated us. My Junior class Israel trip was cancelled because the Second Intifada had just started.

Israel/Palestine was a hot issue on my college campus. There were two groups: AIPAC and Students for Justice in Palestine. Both distributed inflammatory literature. Given a choice between two noxious organizations, I sided with AIPAC. I went to a few meetings and protests. I took a History of Modern Israel class with a popular professor. There was some anti-Israel and anti-Jewish bias on campus. I once found a sketch of an airplane hitting the World Trade Centers with Jewish stars around it on a classroom wall. My Community Studies professor was appalled. The University briefly offered one year of Arabic (which I took!), but there were no other Arab or Muslim studies classes. On campus, the Israel-Palestine conflict looked very black and white. Both sides felt the other had wronged them and should be held accountable. Both sides were mostly telling the truth, but neither was telling the whole truth. AIPAC talked about wanting peace more than SJP, and I thought it was a no-brainer that AIPAC was the right side. Peace is good, violence is bad. Palestinians should stop being violent toward Israelis...but then what? Just keep living under an occupation? Lay down their nationalist cause? Part of me wished they would, but part of me knew that if the tables were turned I wouldn't stop fighting for my homeland. And wasn't the Occupation itself a conduit for violence? But on campus, the attempts at dialogue consistently failed, so we were left with a polarized understanding of a complicated topic.

After graduation I visited Israel for the first time on Birthright. I cried when we landed. It meant a lot to be in the place I'd studied and supported all my life. I later came back to live in Jerusalem. Living in Israel moderated my views. Instead of seeing Palestinians as my adversaries as they were on campus, they were just everyday people working, shopping, going home. The Conflict seemed to be less on their minds than it was on mine during college. They were just people living their lives. Rather than being different from me, they were the same as me because we were on the same bus, or doing business together, or sweating together in the heat.

For years after, I continued speaking out in favor of Israel. Whenever the Conflict would erupt into violence I would explain why Israel had to defend itself, all of which is technically still true. People would condemn Israel for high Palestinian death tolls, and I would blame Hamas or their leadership or other Arab states for promising but not delivering help, for supporting terrorism, for putting innocent lives at risk. That is a legitimate debate to have, but not one worth having.

Everything boils down to the Occupation. Military occupations are bad. People want to live in freedom and dignity. The Israeli military paints itself as humane, but that is an oxymoron. The Occupation can not be justified, and it cannot be improved. It's going nowhere. As long as the Occupation continues, the Conflict will continue. If Israel tries to expand the Occupation, the Conflict will get worse. If Israel ends the Occupation, maybe there will be peace. Many people would say then the Palestinians will try to destroy Israel. Is that a likely outcome? We have an advanced, established military. Israel itself is established. Even if people talk about wiping Israel off the map, they can't. That's not a real thing that will happen. We all know the Palestinians are going to have their own country one day, why are we fighting against it? They're not going to give up. The Jews were expelled from that land for 2000 years and we did not stop praying to go back. Some anti-Palestine people try to argue that Palestinians aren't even a real people, they could go elsewhere, etc. They're mad at the UN. They have 1000 complaints. But none of that matters. Palestinians also have 1000 legitimate complaints against Israel. "Pro-Israel" folks are trying to stall by resolving every little issue, throwing up roadblocks. That's not how negotiation and compromise work. The elephant in the room is the Occupation. Nothing can move forward while the Israeli military has its foot on the neck of the Palestinian people. The Occupation is wrong, it is an embarrassment, and it goes against Jewish values.

For years I supported Israel, right or wrong. I still love and support Israel. But it's my love for Israel that wants it to be a peaceful country. It hurts to see my country harming others. I've kept quiet for years, but now it's time for me to come out against the Occupation. What about the Israelis living in the West Bank? Israel encouraged people to move there, they can encourage people to move back. If settlers can only be "safe" by making everyone else's life a living hell, then that is a problem. Obviously undoing a vast military occupation comes with risks and will be difficult. Those risks and struggles are worth it in the long run. We must end this unjustifiable military occupation so that both nations can move forward in peace and dignity.

Neutralizing the shit out of my rape with EMDR

I just wanted to forget about getting raped. It was too much to process. I did my best to move on so that I didn't feel overwhelmed. At 22, that seemed like the best option. The problem is that when you don't adequately process an emotion, you can get stuck there. I didn't know how to process that much rage and betrayal. I had never known so much distress, and I didn't know if I would recover or how. For me, being stuck looked like projecting my anger and fear of my rapist into anger and fear of men in general. Rape was always right under the surface when interacting with men, especially strangers. I still wanted my rapist dead. I hated him. I felt a righteous anger that I channeled into activism. I made it productive. I saw myself as wise-to-the-world rather than traumatized. I mean, who wants to be traumatized?

I did a great job coping, I think, but that's not the same as healing. I started dating someone 7.5 years after being raped. It wasn't a very good relationship, and soon anxiety got the better of me. I'd always been an anxious person, but I had found ways to manage my life so that it didn't interfere with my functioning. But once the relationship started, my anxiety escalated. So I went to therapy.

I knew anxiety is often a side effect of sexual abuse, but I wasn't able to connect the dots at first. I'd been living with extra anxiety for so long, I just thought that's how I am. After I resolved the relationship issues (by getting the fuck out of that relationship), my therapist suggested addressing the rape with a therapy called EMDR— Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s a treatment for PTSD. It was tested on combat veterans. (Fun fact: the majority of people with PTSD are rape survivors.) The idea is that you can enter into a deep state of your memories, and then remember them differently, or with a different understanding. So instead of remembering an event as making you feel worthless or vulnerable or ashamed, you can remember it as an unfortunate event that happened to you— a valuable or safe or innocent person. Your memory is still there in the end, but it’s like someone else’s memory, or foggy, or blurry around the edges, or just far away. It made me think of Professor Slughorn’s altered memory of Tom Riddle.

Here’s how it went: I closed my eyes. I used headphones to listen to a beeping noise. I could adjust the speed and volume. At the same time, I held a little vibrating pad in each hand, which corresponded to the beep. I could control the intensity. I used the thoughts of a calm place and support people as resources. My therapist guided me back to a disturbing memory, and I thought about my support people telling the younger me what I needed to hear at that time. I pictured a shield that deflected the event from hitting me. I focused on the more neutral or positive lessons that I’ve come to understand, instead of the harmful one that I absorbed in that moment. That was the practice run, on a slightly disturbing incident.

I did EMDR for the rape in another session. I re-remembered getting raped as just leaving his room safely. I can describe being raped because I've told it many times and it's written in my diary, but when I try to remember it I see myself leaving over and over again. I have to force myself to remember the rape itself, and even then it's a bit fragmented. It's like I can remember the story more than the event. When I think of my rapist I still generally wish he would just get hit by a bus already, but in the way that we're hoping Bill Cosby (or your nemesis of choice) would just drop dead to save us all the headache. During the EMDR session, I felt so sad for 22-year-old-me. How unfair that she had to go through that; she didn't deserve that. She doesn't deserve to carry all that trauma for years. But present-day-me is OK, is safe.

I did EMDR a total of 3 times. They were all intense. I was weepy for a few weeks each time. But now when I remember those events, I see the alternate memory. I can still tell you what happened; the memory is still there, just its effect has changed. I can see those events as things that didn’t damage me. Or, they did, but they don’t anymore. They memories are no longer disturbing or emotionally-charged. I didn’t even realize (or I didn’t want to admit) how traumatized I was, even though I had a lot of good support from some of my friends (and people who became friends), even though I see myself as strong and resilient, even though I had more or less moved on. Recovery is possible. That little trauma monster inside you can turn into the emotional equivalent of a house plant.